onawindingroad.blogspot.com

Just updated my road blog! Check it out pleeeease, and this too:

Falling, Things

Today the reality of the short time I have left in this house (and maybe Orlando) hit me. A friend and I switched dressers for the year when we moved out of our old apartment, she took my armoire and I took her dresser. Today her parents came and picked it up and dropped off mine. My room now feels slightly more open and all my clothes fit nicely in a small storage bin which makes me very happy.

I have a decorative shelving piece that stood next to the dresser and i moved it to the corner of the room this evening, I didn't bother taking anything off seeing as how i was literally moving it 3 feet but when i sat it down half of the books I had on the top shelf fell on my arm. In those few milliseconds I can remember feeling so defeated, kind of like my entire world was falling on me, hopeless maybe. This understandably is a little melodramatic but I had to write about it. Especially since I have come to believe that one of my roommates has been acting strange lately and might be annoyed with me, but we're not good enough friends for me to call her out on anything so instead I did all the dishes, took out the trash, put the can on the curb, and lit candles around the house so each room smells a different kind of pretty.

Yes, when I believe someone is unhappy with me or doesn't like me I do really nice things for them. I don't know why, I just feel the need to not be in conflict with anyone so I go to great lengths to fix things like this, but back to my melodrama. I felt like I had failed at my last attempt to control how she looked at me and how the world looked at me for that second after the books fell and while picking them back up, I don't know why but I'm glad I had that reaction. Not only did it give me something to write about but it left. The feeling didn't last. If I can recover from a hopelessness that lasted a millisecond from an incident that started and ended in a span of 3 seconds then I cant fear that a feeling like that will last for much longer than any other disappointment.

I'm scared, nervous, excited, anxious, and a slew of other feelings regarding my future but I've fully given my life over to the creator of life and joy so I know that he will fill my future with those things wherever he leads me. Anne Lamott quotes a woman from her church: "If you pray, don't worry, and if you worry, don't pray." I love it.

Self.Love.

People love to read about themselves. They love to hear their own voices, see their faces on TV, no matter the reason, as insignificant as their notable contribution may be, people will put life on hold for those few shiny seconds to see their name, face, and story in lights.. metaphorically speaking. I know this because I am the worst of them. I often will look at my reflection in windows as I pass by, look for myself in pictures of a crowd I know I was in, and can remember being on local news when I was a kid because i made a bottle rocket or something that seemed quite important at the time.

I love to read but mostly because I love the sense of accomplishment I feel after finishing an entire book, rarely can I recant the book if its not fiction, unless I did an in-depth study of it. Why do I love myself so much? I am not the smartest, prettiest, kindest, or most unique person I know, I do have many redeeming qualities but nothing of any notable superiority to anyone else's. So how can I make sure this self-love doesn't evolve into self-obsession? So many powerful evils are birthed from great people who once they realize they're great consider themselves superior and all of what made them great seems to get lost in the things that make them ruthless.

Greed, conceit, pride, envy, all these evils grow without humility. Who keeps us in check? And how can I get over myself for one day to care about others more than myself?

Urge

When I write I always imagine myself as the voice in the movies that gives a background story or the narrator. I like it. I've had this urge to write more. I don't know what it spawns out of. Maybe the lack of reading has caused me to want to make my own stories but I can't help wanting to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and write something brilliant. I've been thinking about what I would write too. Maybe a music blog, or a book about youth changing the world. I'll figure something out.

I've been stressing out about the internship again too. My mom has eased her wrath but I'm still in this period of waiting that makes me uneasy. honestly I would rather wait than know I didn't get it though. It's all up to him I guess, scratch that, It has to be all up to him or I would drive myself crazy. If I get it maybe I'll write about that!

I'm listening to Death Cab right now because I've had Joshua Radin on repeat for the past couple of weeks, he makes me want to be in love with another human being.

Honor

Oh we are spiritual beings. I may change my mind and plans a lot but I will never stop believing. How amazing is that? How out of character for me. So even in these times of emotional exhaustion the spirit within me is firm.

my mom will always be my mom. I will continue to learn from her and teach her. I will forever honor her, but I will not let her control me. Right now I am first responsible to God then to myself. But can I honor her and please her? Right now, probably not, but eventually, I will. My mom is hurting but I can't let that keep me here. I forgive her but will not cave in to her. my greatest desire other than for adventure is for her support in this new adventure that I'm about to begin. Our relationship hurts right now but love will mend these wounds. I can yell and argue and she can guilt and cry but in the end we will still be in pain. Only forgiveness can heal this. So what does honor look like right now? When everything I do is wrong and she just wants to ignore the whole situation and hope it'll go away. I've yet to figure out but in the mean time I'm going to forgive her.

Mother's Day was bittersweet this year. Maybe next year we'll both be thinking a little clearer.

INFJ

I retake the myers-briggs personality test about twice a year and every time i get the same answer just at different extents. I'm an INFJ, an idealist counseler through and through, and if you read the description of it you would know much more about me than even good friends do. here are some exerpts that I believe are the most acurate:

"INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type. " http://typelogic.com/infj.html

"Counselors tend to work effectively in organizations. They value staff harmony and make every effort to help an organization run smoothly and pleasantly. They understand and use human systems creatively, and are good at consulting and cooperating with others. As employees or employers, Counselors are concerned with people's feelings and are able to act as a barometer of the feelings within the organization.

Blessed with vivid imaginations, Counselors are often seen as the most poetical of all the types, and in fact they use a lot of poetic imagery in their everyday language. Their great talent for language-both written and spoken-is usually directed toward communicating with people in a personalized way. Counselors are highly intuitive and can recognize another's emotions or intentions - good or evil - even before that person is aware of them. Counselors themselves can seldom tell how they came to read others' feelings so keenly. This extreme sensitivity to others could very well be the basis of the Counselor's remarkable ability to experience a whole array of psychic phenomena." http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=counselor

Here's something you may not know but I found really interesting:

"Counselors are scarce, little more than one percent of the population, and can be hard to get to know, since they tend not to share their innermost thoughts or their powerful emotional reactions except with their loved ones. They are highly private people, with an unusually rich, complicated inner life. Friends or colleagues who have known them for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that Counselors are flighty or scattered; they value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes puzzle even them." http://www.keirsey.com/handler.aspx?s=keirsey&f=fourtemps&tab=3&c=counselor

I could probably go on for days about specific examples in my life that correlate to these characterstics but just that you know that these are true is enough. I also just have to brag, INFJs are the rarest type and the most likely to be psychic. k? thanks.

oh god.

what am i thinking!???? sometimes i confuse myself. I feel so more grown up than i actually am that I want to be young again. I feel a need to embrace this.

Today I got a call from the Oregon College of Oriental Medicine. It was the admission director saying that she needed to push back my interview to talk with the dean of academics because I may be 27 credits short of making my minimum number of prerequisite credit hours. I was shocked at first, seeing as how I had talked to the dean prior and she said that I would be fine but what shocked me the most was that I was okay with the thought of staying in orlando. I've said from the beginning of all this that I feel like my heart is in Orlando but I don't want to live my life unexposed to everything else out there. I'm 19 years old and I'm on the fast track to accomplishing all my goals, and I just want to stop and catch my breath. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I just want to be a kid again, not living at home and going to youth group, but doing what I want and not worrying about the future, to just be 19 would be great.

So I looked at the course schedule for UCF (I am still registered as a student there, go figure!) and wrote out a schedule for myself that I could potentially take if by some reason I couldn't get into the school. but I don't think It'll be a problem, so why am I still feeling this way? Is this just cold feet? Is this Satan trying to distract me from what God has planned for me? 3 hours ago everything in my life was so clear, and right now I just don't know.

I would like to stay here another year, go back to ucf or take a year off. Then next June take off to Portland. I'll be 21, 2 of my best friends will be graduated and on to new places, another friend will moving there, I will have the opportunity to visit a couple more times and meet more people, maybe find a living situation before i get there, I'll get to spend more time with this amazing house church and my 3 best friends before we embark on the next chapters of our lives. Why rush?

All I can do is pray. It's all I have the strength to do right now.

Timing.

People live around it. They want perfect timing or are in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wish I didn't think about timing so much or that it didn't affect my plans as much as it does but alas I work on a schedule so time is just another bullet on my list. God has perfect timing. I can't see it but when things happen they happen with great ease when I don't try.

For years I have participated in small groups, house churches, and bible studies. I have heard many testimonies, teachings, and life applications. But I've never shared mine, (except in africa but that was a timed assignment, weird huh) until tonight. This comes on the day I begin to question everything I've ever known about my past. see, my mom told me some things this weekend that threw me for a loop and essentially contradicted everything I thought I knew about marriage, relationships, and love (already touchy subjects for me). Today I hashed out my frustrations, fears, and confusion with my counselor and realized that the mother I thought I had was trying to be my friend and authoratative figure rather than a mother. And I feel like an orphan for it. This being said, you maay be able to see now how I felt when TODAY was the day I was asked to share my life story. But I did it, with all honesty.

I have no idea how I got those words out to the 15 people in that room with aall my composure but I did and afterwards I felt naked, but really good. (should those 2 things be felt at the same time in front of so many people?) I want people to know the real me and this is really me I guess. After my story everyone prayed over me and for my mother and it felt so good. I'm still angry at my mother, time is all that can heal that, but I'm more hopeful and the connection i feel with the people in my house church is greater now than any other group I've been in.

At the end of the night one friend told me that two words came to him when he was praying: delicate and tender. I don't know what they mean for my life right now but I know I have always felt like I haveto be indestructable for the people around me. So hopefully these words will become more apart of me then they are right now.

I've always fought against being delicate and tender because they mean fragile and sensitive. Now they seem like small sentiments I could strive for. What great timing.

If life were simpler.

Everyone wishes their life were simpler. If mine was simpler I would love school, get good grades, remain in Orlando a few more years, take chances on the boys I like (and they would reciprocate the feelings), have more intentional relationships without having to be more intentional about them, be two sizes smaller, and I wouldn't be in counseling for all the shit my mom's put me through. Easy enough right? Well obviously my life is the opposite of easy. I can say that because in the past I have been so scared to say it because I'm aware of all the tragedy that's in the world. The problems of the orphans, homeless, and abused are there but it doesn't mean my struggles are any less tormenting.

The first thing that comes to mind are boys and crushes and the first thing I says is "their dumb, those aren't struggles." however more and more it becomes apparent that they in fact may be the root of some of my struggles. I've had many examples of great relationships but few to none have been close to me and I question what a relationship should look like behind closed doors. I don't even want to talk about my parents right now but I will say that what looks like a fairy tale, even from the inside, is not what it appears, but anyway, this question has been stirring in my head lately. The things I will do for a guy I might be interested in are many and it often comes back to bite me in the ass. No guy will ever know I'm interested in them. NONE. I don't know why, but I suspect it has something to do with rejection and something else to do with fear of the future (but mostly the first). I feel like if I did it just once, I would get over it and be happier knowing the grass isn't that much greener on the other side. So if you're a boy and you know me please don't pretend to be into me, just ask me out and I'll make my intentions known right off the bat because while it's hard for me to be rejected, it's easy for me to reject others. (starting to get the picture?)

Prob the biggest confusion in my life right now is school and Portland. Yes they're in the same category. I love/hate FCIM. It's obviously not designed for students in their early 20's still trying to figure out what they want to do with their life and juggling a social life with school. It's designed for middle-aged men and women who know what they want and are juggling school, work, and a family or trying to start one. Oh boy, that's so not me. But I love my classmates and I love Orlando and its proximity to everything I care about. So why would I move 3,000 miles away from everything I've ever known?

Wow, that took a couple minutes to swallow. I get scared sometimes of this choice I've made, for short periods but still, i get light-headed, nauseous, and anxious all at once. I'd say that's good for me though because I'm a huge worrier and the fact that I'm not worrying is a miracle. So all that to say I have some big things going on in my head right now. I'm taking the steps toward the changes I need to make. Relationships and coping with moving across the country. That's all I can handle for now.

What Am I Worth?

I think whenever I talk with my pastor I leave realizing things about myself that I never would have come up with on my own. Last week we had a meeting where I talked about myself and he listened, and with great wisdom pointed out that all the things that I had been thinking about myself and the way I act towards relationships is all related to the fact that I have issues with what I believe to be my self-worth. I didn't know what that meant, much less how to digest it. So the past couple of days for me have been spent trying to sort out what I believe I'm worth. I don't think I'm trying to fix my perception right now, just looking for meaning.

And so today I had a major test. Major in the fact that this is the first test in my hardest class of the semester and I had been studying all weekend and really knew my stuff. I slept in and went to school to get some last minute studying in with the rest of my classmates and when I got those 33 awful questions I ended the test with a 64, a test I anticipated making an A on, especially because I had the professor last semester. Understandably, it was the hardest test I had taken at the school to date, and everyone agreed on that. But everyone also got A's and B's on the test while I was sitting with a D in my lap and all these pissed off feelings with nowhere to put them.

All that to tell you that I wanted to die, I felt worthless. If I don't have my brain I have nothing. I've never been the pretty, artistic, or athletic girl. I'm the smart girl. If I'm not smart I'm nothing, and D's don't mean smart. So that's the best example I can come up with. I know there are so many more ways I judge my worth by that don't mean anything but that's what killed me inside today. Hopefully when I take steps to fixing this problem this instance will be just a fleeting moment... hopefully.

uh oh.

I'm dreaming again. my head is in the clouds again, dreaming of what could be. My heart wants to move to portland. I've never even been there but it looks so wonderful. I don't want to rush this, I have to think rationally about this, it's a big thing.

Pros: I could easily transfer to the oriental medicine program up there, take a semester off and start with the class in the spring, and that means I could live there a couple months before I have to start pouring into my studies. There are multiple Gaps up there I could transfer to. They have some of the best coffee shops in the country. Art walks, farmer's markets, greenery, eclectic people, I can't find anything wrong with it! my friend even knows donald miller (the author) who can get me in touch with some good community at imago dei. My roommate is moving up there in july, my other friend said if i go she will move with me, I have no lease commitment. The timing is a lot better now than later. If I move now I only have to live there a minimum of 3 years for school, if I move later I would have to actually build a business and if I ever wanted to move I would literally have to start all over. I'm young, make friends easily, and if I don't do it now I may never get the chance.

Cons? It will be significantly more expensive to go to school there than finish here. about $10,000 more expensive, and I would really like to pay off most, if not all, of my debt before getting married. I don't know how often I would be able to visit my mom at home and i would miss my friends something terrible. I've only lived in orlando 2 and a half years, there's still so much left to do, well... scratch that last one.

Prayer first, tomorrow I will call the school I would be going to to see what it would look like to transfer there. If that goes well I will look into a transfer for work, and maybe a promotion... I'm letting God handle everything, because when I do anything I screw it up and if this is going to turn out how God wants it I will have to give it to him.

I want to do it for the right reasons

I had a good conversation with a friend tonight about a different way of life. His passion is encouraging and if I had more friends like him I know I would see more change around me. While listening to him I agreed with everything he said but wondered if, as humans, we cut ourselves a little short. I've been so exposed to this "humanitarian christian" idea. Feeding the hungry, caring for the orphans and widows, I could do it forever. Serving is one of the greatest gifts God has given us to worship him with, but I sometimes forget that all together. We get so caught up in questions like how we can serve, who we should serve, and what serving will make the greatest impact that I personally forget why am I serving and is this what it's all about?

I can't help but to think about the early church on this subject, (another thing the people around me desperately want to emulate) I never read about them serving their community then going home to talk about Jesus among their peers. They proclaimed his name everywhere. Peter and the disciples met the needs of people as a way of opening up opportunities to preach the gospel. The book of Acts is not about the apostles serving their community, and while there is one paragraph about the kind of community they built, the book is about the life of martyrs. Healing people, preaching the gospel, and dying for what they believe.

My friend also talked about a peaceful world and being ready to die for the name of Christ with out attacking your persecutor. We should be ready for it, but at what extent do we stick up for ourselves and our Christ before it becomes a fight? I still dont know what I would even say if a situation that intense arose. The idea of peaceful living, self-sustainability, caring for the less fortunate, all great ideas, all well-intentioned, but for what? If telling the world about Jesus is our aim, if he isn't the reason we're doing this then it's not out of love, it's out of obligation. No serving can be done out of love if it's not done in the name of Christ. God is love.

I hope that when I build relationships, and serve those around me that I dont miss the opportunity to say the name "Jesus." Literally, I want to say it out loud to people so they know why I'm here. Jesus said we would do greater things than even he did, let me not underestimate the impact I can have on the kingdom of Heaven being realized on earth.

Emotional Porn

My roommate is a wedding photographer. I try to keep myself as far away from weddings, couples, sappy love stories, and chick flicks, as humanly possible but for one instant let me indulge.





















www.unique-vintage.com

Yep, this is the one.