Urge

When I write I always imagine myself as the voice in the movies that gives a background story or the narrator. I like it. I've had this urge to write more. I don't know what it spawns out of. Maybe the lack of reading has caused me to want to make my own stories but I can't help wanting to put pen to paper (or fingers to keys) and write something brilliant. I've been thinking about what I would write too. Maybe a music blog, or a book about youth changing the world. I'll figure something out.

I've been stressing out about the internship again too. My mom has eased her wrath but I'm still in this period of waiting that makes me uneasy. honestly I would rather wait than know I didn't get it though. It's all up to him I guess, scratch that, It has to be all up to him or I would drive myself crazy. If I get it maybe I'll write about that!

I'm listening to Death Cab right now because I've had Joshua Radin on repeat for the past couple of weeks, he makes me want to be in love with another human being.

Honor

Oh we are spiritual beings. I may change my mind and plans a lot but I will never stop believing. How amazing is that? How out of character for me. So even in these times of emotional exhaustion the spirit within me is firm.

my mom will always be my mom. I will continue to learn from her and teach her. I will forever honor her, but I will not let her control me. Right now I am first responsible to God then to myself. But can I honor her and please her? Right now, probably not, but eventually, I will. My mom is hurting but I can't let that keep me here. I forgive her but will not cave in to her. my greatest desire other than for adventure is for her support in this new adventure that I'm about to begin. Our relationship hurts right now but love will mend these wounds. I can yell and argue and she can guilt and cry but in the end we will still be in pain. Only forgiveness can heal this. So what does honor look like right now? When everything I do is wrong and she just wants to ignore the whole situation and hope it'll go away. I've yet to figure out but in the mean time I'm going to forgive her.

Mother's Day was bittersweet this year. Maybe next year we'll both be thinking a little clearer.