What Am I Worth?

I think whenever I talk with my pastor I leave realizing things about myself that I never would have come up with on my own. Last week we had a meeting where I talked about myself and he listened, and with great wisdom pointed out that all the things that I had been thinking about myself and the way I act towards relationships is all related to the fact that I have issues with what I believe to be my self-worth. I didn't know what that meant, much less how to digest it. So the past couple of days for me have been spent trying to sort out what I believe I'm worth. I don't think I'm trying to fix my perception right now, just looking for meaning.

And so today I had a major test. Major in the fact that this is the first test in my hardest class of the semester and I had been studying all weekend and really knew my stuff. I slept in and went to school to get some last minute studying in with the rest of my classmates and when I got those 33 awful questions I ended the test with a 64, a test I anticipated making an A on, especially because I had the professor last semester. Understandably, it was the hardest test I had taken at the school to date, and everyone agreed on that. But everyone also got A's and B's on the test while I was sitting with a D in my lap and all these pissed off feelings with nowhere to put them.

All that to tell you that I wanted to die, I felt worthless. If I don't have my brain I have nothing. I've never been the pretty, artistic, or athletic girl. I'm the smart girl. If I'm not smart I'm nothing, and D's don't mean smart. So that's the best example I can come up with. I know there are so many more ways I judge my worth by that don't mean anything but that's what killed me inside today. Hopefully when I take steps to fixing this problem this instance will be just a fleeting moment... hopefully.