I just want people to shut up

hmmm. I was in such a bad mood this afternoon. I was seriously a judgmental bitch and I am pretty good at making people feel like shit. Thats me. So why am I this way? I have some great people around me that should build me up but right now they're annoying the crap out of me. I think it has to do with boys, it seems whenever I hear about it I just get angry because I know that it's not my time and I'm around people who are at that time in their life and Im just pissed. I want to be surrounded by those people to gain wisdom from but I dont want to hang out with them anymore because I want to be around other people who are single and know that it's not their time (not people who are single and looking.) I am just pissed at life and the people around me who all they can talk about are boys. I know I want that in my life eventually but not now! I just want to tell them to shut up. please shut up. shut up.

God Grant Me the Serenity

...to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the season I have been praying about. My life, so blessed. I felt so unworthy that I knew something big was going to happen to make up for all that ease. I dont feel like Im being punished, I know this is learning time. Since August I have felt uneasy about life, my living situation, my walk, putting my faith in action, all of the above. Last month everything came to a climax and now I just feel out of place everywhere I go. My friends love me and I love them back but they cant fill the void in my life that Im trying to push them in. I really feel like I need a vacation alone, where people are around but I dont know any of them. Me, Jesus, and people watching. Sounds like a good idea.

In the last two weeks I have seen much resolution to October's events and I am thankful to at least have some closure in my life. Still, my mind is not in my head, it's off thinking of every situation that could go wrong and the more I worry, the worse it gets. I feel nauseous almost every day, I am hopeless in my financial circumstance, I broke out (in what i think may be hives) on my back ad chest, and most of all i feel like im far away from God. I feel so far away. I pray and feel guilty, sit in front of the bible and stare at it, can't get up the nerve to email my pastor to talk about it, and cant make time to read any insightful book on why I feel this way. I feel like God is so disappointed; loving, but not proud. I feel guilty when I pray.

So here is my prayer. To get everything out that has been building up inside of me. Being held by Satan to stir within me awaiting the day when he can unleash it. I won't give him that power.

"Father grant me the serenity to see see clearly through this storm of doubt, deception, and walls that see too high to climb. Hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be ok, that you have control and all I need to do is trust you. Give me the answers to my questions, give me the right questions to ask. Take away my compulsiveness, replace it with patience, fill the void with your love. soften my heart. Make it like clay again, like when I was eager to learn and love as much as i knew how. give me the ability to focus and the ability to think about others more than myself, or at least more than i do now. And finally for all the trials you have put me in right now I pray resolution."