What Am I Worth?

I think whenever I talk with my pastor I leave realizing things about myself that I never would have come up with on my own. Last week we had a meeting where I talked about myself and he listened, and with great wisdom pointed out that all the things that I had been thinking about myself and the way I act towards relationships is all related to the fact that I have issues with what I believe to be my self-worth. I didn't know what that meant, much less how to digest it. So the past couple of days for me have been spent trying to sort out what I believe I'm worth. I don't think I'm trying to fix my perception right now, just looking for meaning.

And so today I had a major test. Major in the fact that this is the first test in my hardest class of the semester and I had been studying all weekend and really knew my stuff. I slept in and went to school to get some last minute studying in with the rest of my classmates and when I got those 33 awful questions I ended the test with a 64, a test I anticipated making an A on, especially because I had the professor last semester. Understandably, it was the hardest test I had taken at the school to date, and everyone agreed on that. But everyone also got A's and B's on the test while I was sitting with a D in my lap and all these pissed off feelings with nowhere to put them.

All that to tell you that I wanted to die, I felt worthless. If I don't have my brain I have nothing. I've never been the pretty, artistic, or athletic girl. I'm the smart girl. If I'm not smart I'm nothing, and D's don't mean smart. So that's the best example I can come up with. I know there are so many more ways I judge my worth by that don't mean anything but that's what killed me inside today. Hopefully when I take steps to fixing this problem this instance will be just a fleeting moment... hopefully.

uh oh.

I'm dreaming again. my head is in the clouds again, dreaming of what could be. My heart wants to move to portland. I've never even been there but it looks so wonderful. I don't want to rush this, I have to think rationally about this, it's a big thing.

Pros: I could easily transfer to the oriental medicine program up there, take a semester off and start with the class in the spring, and that means I could live there a couple months before I have to start pouring into my studies. There are multiple Gaps up there I could transfer to. They have some of the best coffee shops in the country. Art walks, farmer's markets, greenery, eclectic people, I can't find anything wrong with it! my friend even knows donald miller (the author) who can get me in touch with some good community at imago dei. My roommate is moving up there in july, my other friend said if i go she will move with me, I have no lease commitment. The timing is a lot better now than later. If I move now I only have to live there a minimum of 3 years for school, if I move later I would have to actually build a business and if I ever wanted to move I would literally have to start all over. I'm young, make friends easily, and if I don't do it now I may never get the chance.

Cons? It will be significantly more expensive to go to school there than finish here. about $10,000 more expensive, and I would really like to pay off most, if not all, of my debt before getting married. I don't know how often I would be able to visit my mom at home and i would miss my friends something terrible. I've only lived in orlando 2 and a half years, there's still so much left to do, well... scratch that last one.

Prayer first, tomorrow I will call the school I would be going to to see what it would look like to transfer there. If that goes well I will look into a transfer for work, and maybe a promotion... I'm letting God handle everything, because when I do anything I screw it up and if this is going to turn out how God wants it I will have to give it to him.