Timing.

People live around it. They want perfect timing or are in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wish I didn't think about timing so much or that it didn't affect my plans as much as it does but alas I work on a schedule so time is just another bullet on my list. God has perfect timing. I can't see it but when things happen they happen with great ease when I don't try.

For years I have participated in small groups, house churches, and bible studies. I have heard many testimonies, teachings, and life applications. But I've never shared mine, (except in africa but that was a timed assignment, weird huh) until tonight. This comes on the day I begin to question everything I've ever known about my past. see, my mom told me some things this weekend that threw me for a loop and essentially contradicted everything I thought I knew about marriage, relationships, and love (already touchy subjects for me). Today I hashed out my frustrations, fears, and confusion with my counselor and realized that the mother I thought I had was trying to be my friend and authoratative figure rather than a mother. And I feel like an orphan for it. This being said, you maay be able to see now how I felt when TODAY was the day I was asked to share my life story. But I did it, with all honesty.

I have no idea how I got those words out to the 15 people in that room with aall my composure but I did and afterwards I felt naked, but really good. (should those 2 things be felt at the same time in front of so many people?) I want people to know the real me and this is really me I guess. After my story everyone prayed over me and for my mother and it felt so good. I'm still angry at my mother, time is all that can heal that, but I'm more hopeful and the connection i feel with the people in my house church is greater now than any other group I've been in.

At the end of the night one friend told me that two words came to him when he was praying: delicate and tender. I don't know what they mean for my life right now but I know I have always felt like I haveto be indestructable for the people around me. So hopefully these words will become more apart of me then they are right now.

I've always fought against being delicate and tender because they mean fragile and sensitive. Now they seem like small sentiments I could strive for. What great timing.