I hated living alone, then I saw hope to learn more about myself and God and I was ok with it, then the opportunity arose for me to not just live with friends, but be submersed in community, I didn't jump, I prayed. I prayed for God to take away this desire if it was not in his plan, to close the doors that he didn't want me to walk through. He didn't close doors, he opened the opportunities for me to move with great ease and quickness, and I grew excited about my new adventure (I have wanted to live near downtown since I've moved here, and secretly with people status, I don't know why thats a secret it's just something I've wanted for a long time). But two weeks later my subleasee fell through and the people I got to replace her couldn't be on the lease so my "roommate" told me to tell them to take a hike. Now with all these demands from her I don't know if I can sublease the place. All I can do is sit back and let the course be run. I have plans and deadlines, God has creation and is all-knowing, who do you think will win?
My walk has grown lax, maybe thats why this is all crumbling in crunch time. I hardly ever read the bible anymore, theology books sit on my shelf untouched, and I suck at making time to just sit in silence and talk with Jesus. I'm in this period of stagnation, itching to move but without motivation to make it happen. All the while things are crashing down around me: 4 fraudulent charges on my credit card, living on $5 for a week and a half, being scheduled <12 hours per week (at minimum wage working all the newbie jobs that nobody wants) at a new job, other peoples engagements and weddings (which don't affect me diretly but are difficult/annoying to hear about), an awful "roommate" who doesn't understand there are consequences to her actions, sleeping up to 13 hours at a time (through classes and a clinic shift), losing my most expensive and important textbook, a clinic write-up, and the suicide of one of the high school girls that I was beginning to get close with. Im sure there are more but why rack my brain to remember things that have obviously been supressed for a reason.
I feel so hopeless, I want to sell all my stuff and move back in with my mom for a little while, That sounds good, but she lives 2 hours away. I need to be here, it's where God has placed me and it's where I have to be. All I can do is take it upon myself to be more holistic in my approach living this life run by Christ, because right now I'm doing a lousy job.
1 Emotional
2 Financial
3 Spiritual Practices
4 Physical
5 Gifts/Talents
6 Relational
Im prone to worrying, I hide behind my faith that God will provide and the proof I have of that in my life, but I still freak out every time something goes awry. But I will try to keep my mind off it, not ignore it, but all this at once IS too much to deal with all at once. I will move as I feel led by the holy spirit and I know I will end up in the right place. I'll be in Orlando until at least June 2011 and, God-willing, single (meaning un-married) for at least 4 more years. So I need to focus on these things now while I am in a place I know, with people who know and love me, while I have time. I am at a loss on how to end this so I will leave with this: Psalm 59.
