oh god.

what am i thinking!???? sometimes i confuse myself. I feel so more grown up than i actually am that I want to be young again. I feel a need to embrace this.

Today I got a call from the Oregon College of Oriental Medicine. It was the admission director saying that she needed to push back my interview to talk with the dean of academics because I may be 27 credits short of making my minimum number of prerequisite credit hours. I was shocked at first, seeing as how I had talked to the dean prior and she said that I would be fine but what shocked me the most was that I was okay with the thought of staying in orlando. I've said from the beginning of all this that I feel like my heart is in Orlando but I don't want to live my life unexposed to everything else out there. I'm 19 years old and I'm on the fast track to accomplishing all my goals, and I just want to stop and catch my breath. I don't know if I can take it anymore. I just want to be a kid again, not living at home and going to youth group, but doing what I want and not worrying about the future, to just be 19 would be great.

So I looked at the course schedule for UCF (I am still registered as a student there, go figure!) and wrote out a schedule for myself that I could potentially take if by some reason I couldn't get into the school. but I don't think It'll be a problem, so why am I still feeling this way? Is this just cold feet? Is this Satan trying to distract me from what God has planned for me? 3 hours ago everything in my life was so clear, and right now I just don't know.

I would like to stay here another year, go back to ucf or take a year off. Then next June take off to Portland. I'll be 21, 2 of my best friends will be graduated and on to new places, another friend will moving there, I will have the opportunity to visit a couple more times and meet more people, maybe find a living situation before i get there, I'll get to spend more time with this amazing house church and my 3 best friends before we embark on the next chapters of our lives. Why rush?

All I can do is pray. It's all I have the strength to do right now.