From one extreme to the next. I began the summer surrounded by my friends, eager for a moment by myself away from the chaos. I am then submerged head first into the closest community of my life with strangers who soon became family. My value separate but accredited to their love and openness. Then back home with the same friends I had left I am able to value them so much more, to know what it means to live in community is to know how to show love to your brothers and sisters.
Now I am here. Now I sit in an empty apartment 30 minutes away from my community with a roommate I've seen 3 times since we've moved in. I practically live alone, from a place where I could walk into the next room and my best friends would be sleeping on the couch. I don't even have a couch. Its nice to be able to walk around my apartment whenever I want in whatever I want, be 2 minutes from school and 5 minutes to each of the biggest malls in the city, but I would rather have my community back. My loneliness is stirring dreams I would rather not have, however Im sure after last night they will not come back, and the stagnation in my walk that Im experiencing is surely the cause.
I want my life back, this isn't what I signed up for at all.
Maybe the the last one is satan tempting me with a twist on the word that I want to hear but it doesn't change the fact that I've wanted this for some time. Not just a relationship with any guy but "the one." And lately my awareness of this has been heightened due to the fact that I live alone (I haven't seen my roommate in over a week.) But maybe with looking for a new job my lack can be forgotten and I can focus the rest of my attention on learning God's heart. I'm just really confused whether my own selfish ambition is telling me this or that there's a reason I read this passage at this time in my life. "Ask and you shall receive" I hope so.
