Falling, Things

Today the reality of the short time I have left in this house (and maybe Orlando) hit me. A friend and I switched dressers for the year when we moved out of our old apartment, she took my armoire and I took her dresser. Today her parents came and picked it up and dropped off mine. My room now feels slightly more open and all my clothes fit nicely in a small storage bin which makes me very happy.

I have a decorative shelving piece that stood next to the dresser and i moved it to the corner of the room this evening, I didn't bother taking anything off seeing as how i was literally moving it 3 feet but when i sat it down half of the books I had on the top shelf fell on my arm. In those few milliseconds I can remember feeling so defeated, kind of like my entire world was falling on me, hopeless maybe. This understandably is a little melodramatic but I had to write about it. Especially since I have come to believe that one of my roommates has been acting strange lately and might be annoyed with me, but we're not good enough friends for me to call her out on anything so instead I did all the dishes, took out the trash, put the can on the curb, and lit candles around the house so each room smells a different kind of pretty.

Yes, when I believe someone is unhappy with me or doesn't like me I do really nice things for them. I don't know why, I just feel the need to not be in conflict with anyone so I go to great lengths to fix things like this, but back to my melodrama. I felt like I had failed at my last attempt to control how she looked at me and how the world looked at me for that second after the books fell and while picking them back up, I don't know why but I'm glad I had that reaction. Not only did it give me something to write about but it left. The feeling didn't last. If I can recover from a hopelessness that lasted a millisecond from an incident that started and ended in a span of 3 seconds then I cant fear that a feeling like that will last for much longer than any other disappointment.

I'm scared, nervous, excited, anxious, and a slew of other feelings regarding my future but I've fully given my life over to the creator of life and joy so I know that he will fill my future with those things wherever he leads me. Anne Lamott quotes a woman from her church: "If you pray, don't worry, and if you worry, don't pray." I love it.

Self.Love.

People love to read about themselves. They love to hear their own voices, see their faces on TV, no matter the reason, as insignificant as their notable contribution may be, people will put life on hold for those few shiny seconds to see their name, face, and story in lights.. metaphorically speaking. I know this because I am the worst of them. I often will look at my reflection in windows as I pass by, look for myself in pictures of a crowd I know I was in, and can remember being on local news when I was a kid because i made a bottle rocket or something that seemed quite important at the time.

I love to read but mostly because I love the sense of accomplishment I feel after finishing an entire book, rarely can I recant the book if its not fiction, unless I did an in-depth study of it. Why do I love myself so much? I am not the smartest, prettiest, kindest, or most unique person I know, I do have many redeeming qualities but nothing of any notable superiority to anyone else's. So how can I make sure this self-love doesn't evolve into self-obsession? So many powerful evils are birthed from great people who once they realize they're great consider themselves superior and all of what made them great seems to get lost in the things that make them ruthless.

Greed, conceit, pride, envy, all these evils grow without humility. Who keeps us in check? And how can I get over myself for one day to care about others more than myself?