I'm Bored

Not in the sense that I have nothing to do. Oh, I have plenty to do. But I cant seem to shake this feeling. This is the place Im at right now, this is what Im trying to get out of. I feel like there are more than enough things I can do to keep my mind off it, and I've been trying to as much as possible, but even in the times when I am most at peace with God and am learning more and more, I am really frustrated with all these textbook answers that I cant seem to push out to discover the reality that he's trying to teach me.I've contemplated not putting my kids in sunday school because I would rather they come to God on their own than be brainwashed into these ideas that we know but we dont know why. And the Bible is living, it has different meaning for different hearts, different experiences. God talks to no two people in EXACTLY the same way, because none of us are made the same, the beauty is the complexity of it all! so why am I experiencing this cookie cutter phase where I know what to think but I don't feel God calling me to act on it. I know he wants something deeper from me.

I am not stagnant in my walk right now, that feels complacent, right now I'm frustrated because I just dont know what God wants from me. I dont know what to do to make God happy so he'll fulfill his plan for me, or at least my plan for me. that realization sucks. My heart is so bound to this idea that i cant define the line between hope and obsession.

I am so pathetic, and I really only care about myself. Im pissed because I don't know what God wants, regardless of how I know I should live to please him and that will be enough, but I know what's out there, I've seen the bigger picture. I am no longer ignorant and cant continue to live this life consumed with my want. I did ask God to take comfort out of my life, truely he didnt take anything away but he's opening my eyes to the uncomfortable places that have been here all along. I just cant stand it while it happens.