Ahhhhhh.

First off in regards to my last post I forgot to mention its harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. Thus stating that most of the people that are rich shouldn't be and all the people that aren't should be thankful but for those unlucky few that must be, they are a necessity in the role of the kingdom and have a harder time than the rest of us becoming that role. So I was just sick of people giving them grief, even though its not my position to judge whether a person should be rich or not.

Now, onto my next subject: age.

I am young, I obviously am reminded of this everyday. my two best friends have recently turned 21 while i still have a year and half to go, I'm in a master's program with students who are on their second or third (or fourth) degree, I live with a 25 year old and 24 year old both with degrees, careers, and steady boyfriends they are thinking about marriage with. I get it. IM NOT THERE YET! And I dont want to be.

Being a grown-up means you think about the future. The only reasons you think about the future are for jobs, marriage, kids, buying houses and cars, etc. I dont know what I want to be doing in 3 months, much less 5 years. I wont be pressured into growing up or maturing faster than I have to. I am cherishing the value of being young. Staying out late, doing whatever I want, hanging out with whoever I want, it will make no difference tomorrow what I do today and it doesnt have to.

So continue to be pissed off that Im not at your level yet, continue to cry because I cant see your point of view. I dont want to be you, I admire your maturity in the scripture and hope to one day be able to think as critically as you do on the spot but thats it, and that has nothing to do with age, I can have that whenever I decide to cast aside my laziness but I will not throw away my youth to be a grown-up quicker. I dont want marriage or kids or a dog or a white picked fence I want to be able to not shower for a week and people not look at me funny, I want to play with kids that have no one else to play with, I want to travel and not move, see and not photograph, make memories with myself. You're done with that part of your life and Im just beginning it.

I'll make mistakes but I'll recover. I'll do awesome things because I won't have to think of anyone else before doing them. I will come and go as I please because no one is relying on me to be anywhere at anytime. So you're not jealous because you have everything you think you should have at this age, well neither am I. I'm searching for truth on my own, beyond where everyone says I should be looking, and Im finding it.

High Paying Faith

I've heard the argument many times and I used to agree. "you cant be rich and still be following God's will" its always been something to that extent. Money is the root of all evil and God is not evil, how can those people build these huge bank accounts and mega churches while kids are dying from preventable diseases and a significant percentage of the world's population lives in severe poverty. Jesus would be appalled. How can these people live this way and call themselves Christians? Every great example of Christ's love has come, in human form, from simple people living simple lives doing things Jesus would have done in his time. Mother Theresa hung out with lepers, Martin Luther corrected the tyrant church doctrine, and Martin Luther King Jr. showed white people that all people really are created equal. These people lived far from the lap of luxury and we admire them for that, because its something we'll probably never get close to.

So what would the world look like if all Christians looked like this, right now. A call to action occurs that prompts us all to sell everything we have and just love people. what would that look like? Utopia. The domino effect would catch on for sure. No one could resist the opportunity to be genuinely happy just by living simply and relying on God for your well being. Phenomenal.

Call me a skeptic but that'll never happen.

The idea is novel but if we could do it we probably would have done it in Eden. Adam and Eve could even put their fig leaves on before they had a son dead and their entire family was in uproarious shambles (flood anyone?) They could even love their own family enough to get past murder, deception, and greed. So why, thousands of years later do you think that getting everyone on the same page is going to make everyone see things the same way?

Diversity is one thing everyone can like about America. No matter who you are you like walking down the street seeing people of all races, sizes, opinions, occupations, and intelligence walking with you. And if you don't, in 2008 you'd never admit that in a public place. We like to learn, be challenged, agreed with, provoked into deeper thought. You cant do that when everyone has the same past and projected future, where will those stories go?

I heard a story about the CEO of Eckerd drug stores. When he became a Christian he felt God call him take all adult magazines out of his stores. So he did, and after much argueing over whether he was right, wrong, or crazy, the public began to catch on and harshly worded letters and boycotts began of the drugstores that still carried these materials. Today no Drug store carries any adult content magazines. Needless to say the only reason action was started on this issue is because it came from the CEO himself. If i had come to this man, Christian or not, and made a case there is no way I could take the money out of their pockets that playboy was making them. Everyone knows that personal conviction is the only thing that makes a person truely change.

So I want to know what would have happened if the moment he became a Christian that he sold everything and lived with the poor, or even if he had waited until after taking porn of his shelves, do you think we would still be seeing the effects of his choice today? No, probably not. But you cant tell me this high paid business exec wasn't a Christian following the call of God on his life. So why do we consider him less of a Christian because he has money to throw around? This is how I've been judging rich Christians, but I don't even know them!

The conclusion that I have come to is that God calls us all to different things, lifestyles, and people. That's obvious, but what doest that mean for a world where we're all supposed to be working together to further the kingdom and love one another? Answer: It doesn't make a damn difference how much you're making to Jesus. He could care less if you're making $1,000 or $1 million a year. (As long as whatever you're doing to make that money is legit, you're fine.) His concern is what you do with your money. And when its said that way Im as guilty as any rock star who lives in excessive luxury. Live the life you are called to live by God, whether it's simple or fancy the world will judge you accordingly but God and those close to you know your heart. I believe the more you are blessed with the more you are responsible for.

But even though my opinion an the acquisition of money has lightened I still think everyone should experience the poverty of their brothers and sisters not blessed with half of what we take for granted. I still think living in luxury and shoving the silver spoon down your newborn's throat is bullshit. Example: God calls me to be a surgeon, I will have less time physically to be the hands of God because of work so the money i make from that job in the extra hours i could be helping those in need for free must go directly to whom it belongs, God's people. I don't know if that made a lot of sense but I feel like that sums it up best. We work with what we are blessed with. Whether it be time, money, compassion, or logic, our purposes vary. So we can be of different social circles and income brackets and still love and serve the same God and he will be just as pleased with all of us if our hearts are in the right place.

Free Me

Free me from this stagnancy
Teach me more
Open my eyes to something new
Change my views
Stir my heart for what you yearn
Humble my pride
Give me words to say
Take my fears, my worries, my life
Control my destiny
Break my stubbornness
Reveal the work you are doing in me
Make me vulnerable
Soften my hardened heart
Show me your incomprehensible depth

I just want people to shut up

hmmm. I was in such a bad mood this afternoon. I was seriously a judgmental bitch and I am pretty good at making people feel like shit. Thats me. So why am I this way? I have some great people around me that should build me up but right now they're annoying the crap out of me. I think it has to do with boys, it seems whenever I hear about it I just get angry because I know that it's not my time and I'm around people who are at that time in their life and Im just pissed. I want to be surrounded by those people to gain wisdom from but I dont want to hang out with them anymore because I want to be around other people who are single and know that it's not their time (not people who are single and looking.) I am just pissed at life and the people around me who all they can talk about are boys. I know I want that in my life eventually but not now! I just want to tell them to shut up. please shut up. shut up.

God Grant Me the Serenity

...to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the season I have been praying about. My life, so blessed. I felt so unworthy that I knew something big was going to happen to make up for all that ease. I dont feel like Im being punished, I know this is learning time. Since August I have felt uneasy about life, my living situation, my walk, putting my faith in action, all of the above. Last month everything came to a climax and now I just feel out of place everywhere I go. My friends love me and I love them back but they cant fill the void in my life that Im trying to push them in. I really feel like I need a vacation alone, where people are around but I dont know any of them. Me, Jesus, and people watching. Sounds like a good idea.

In the last two weeks I have seen much resolution to October's events and I am thankful to at least have some closure in my life. Still, my mind is not in my head, it's off thinking of every situation that could go wrong and the more I worry, the worse it gets. I feel nauseous almost every day, I am hopeless in my financial circumstance, I broke out (in what i think may be hives) on my back ad chest, and most of all i feel like im far away from God. I feel so far away. I pray and feel guilty, sit in front of the bible and stare at it, can't get up the nerve to email my pastor to talk about it, and cant make time to read any insightful book on why I feel this way. I feel like God is so disappointed; loving, but not proud. I feel guilty when I pray.

So here is my prayer. To get everything out that has been building up inside of me. Being held by Satan to stir within me awaiting the day when he can unleash it. I won't give him that power.

"Father grant me the serenity to see see clearly through this storm of doubt, deception, and walls that see too high to climb. Hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be ok, that you have control and all I need to do is trust you. Give me the answers to my questions, give me the right questions to ask. Take away my compulsiveness, replace it with patience, fill the void with your love. soften my heart. Make it like clay again, like when I was eager to learn and love as much as i knew how. give me the ability to focus and the ability to think about others more than myself, or at least more than i do now. And finally for all the trials you have put me in right now I pray resolution."

They Lie In Wait For My Life

Funny how things can change in a month huh? Allow me to vent. I've told the story too many times to bore myself with it again but have I really delved into my feelings on the story? Feelings are hard for me so probably not. October 2008 has been the hardest month for me since April 2006. I've gone from the highest excitement to the lowest place I've been in over two years. This will be the mark of my adulthood, no longer will I be able to say "I'm only 19!" or "I'm just a kid" when I come out of this I will have gained, not anything to attribute to my intelligence, but real wisdom and a better grasp of common sense.

I hated living alone, then I saw hope to learn more about myself and God and I was ok with it, then the opportunity arose for me to not just live with friends, but be submersed in community, I didn't jump, I prayed. I prayed for God to take away this desire if it was not in his plan, to close the doors that he didn't want me to walk through. He didn't close doors, he opened the opportunities for me to move with great ease and quickness, and I grew excited about my new adventure (I have wanted to live near downtown since I've moved here, and secretly with people status, I don't know why thats a secret it's just something I've wanted for a long time). But two weeks later my subleasee fell through and the people I got to replace her couldn't be on the lease so my "roommate" told me to tell them to take a hike. Now with all these demands from her I don't know if I can sublease the place. All I can do is sit back and let the course be run. I have plans and deadlines, God has creation and is all-knowing, who do you think will win?

My walk has grown lax, maybe thats why this is all crumbling in crunch time. I hardly ever read the bible anymore, theology books sit on my shelf untouched, and I suck at making time to just sit in silence and talk with Jesus. I'm in this period of stagnation, itching to move but without motivation to make it happen. All the while things are crashing down around me: 4 fraudulent charges on my credit card, living on $5 for a week and a half, being scheduled <12 hours per week (at minimum wage working all the newbie jobs that nobody wants) at a new job, other peoples engagements and weddings (which don't affect me diretly but are difficult/annoying to hear about), an awful "roommate" who doesn't understand there are consequences to her actions, sleeping up to 13 hours at a time (through classes and a clinic shift), losing my most expensive and important textbook, a clinic write-up, and the suicide of one of the high school girls that I was beginning to get close with. Im sure there are more but why rack my brain to remember things that have obviously been supressed for a reason.

I feel so hopeless, I want to sell all my stuff and move back in with my mom for a little while, That sounds good, but she lives 2 hours away. I need to be here, it's where God has placed me and it's where I have to be. All I can do is take it upon myself to be more holistic in my approach living this life run by Christ, because right now I'm doing a lousy job.

1 Emotional
2 Financial
3 Spiritual Practices
4 Physical
5 Gifts/Talents
6 Relational

Im prone to worrying, I hide behind my faith that God will provide and the proof I have of that in my life, but I still freak out every time something goes awry. But I will try to keep my mind off it, not ignore it, but all this at once IS too much to deal with all at once. I will move as I feel led by the holy spirit and I know I will end up in the right place. I'll be in Orlando until at least June 2011 and, God-willing, single (meaning un-married) for at least 4 more years. So I need to focus on these things now while I am in a place I know, with people who know and love me, while I have time. I am at a loss on how to end this so I will leave with this: Psalm 59.

I'm Bored

Not in the sense that I have nothing to do. Oh, I have plenty to do. But I cant seem to shake this feeling. This is the place Im at right now, this is what Im trying to get out of. I feel like there are more than enough things I can do to keep my mind off it, and I've been trying to as much as possible, but even in the times when I am most at peace with God and am learning more and more, I am really frustrated with all these textbook answers that I cant seem to push out to discover the reality that he's trying to teach me.I've contemplated not putting my kids in sunday school because I would rather they come to God on their own than be brainwashed into these ideas that we know but we dont know why. And the Bible is living, it has different meaning for different hearts, different experiences. God talks to no two people in EXACTLY the same way, because none of us are made the same, the beauty is the complexity of it all! so why am I experiencing this cookie cutter phase where I know what to think but I don't feel God calling me to act on it. I know he wants something deeper from me.

I am not stagnant in my walk right now, that feels complacent, right now I'm frustrated because I just dont know what God wants from me. I dont know what to do to make God happy so he'll fulfill his plan for me, or at least my plan for me. that realization sucks. My heart is so bound to this idea that i cant define the line between hope and obsession.

I am so pathetic, and I really only care about myself. Im pissed because I don't know what God wants, regardless of how I know I should live to please him and that will be enough, but I know what's out there, I've seen the bigger picture. I am no longer ignorant and cant continue to live this life consumed with my want. I did ask God to take comfort out of my life, truely he didnt take anything away but he's opening my eyes to the uncomfortable places that have been here all along. I just cant stand it while it happens.

Ask And You Shall Receive

I'm wrestling this right now. I'm asking for answers and other things that I believe I will receive, so out of a pure heart shouldn't I get them? My prayers are not selfish, I pray about my life more than I ought but I'm not asking for a new car or gratuitous amount of money. right now there are three things I want, not in excess but because my heart aches for the excitement and promise they will bring. I just want tools to be able to budget my money and stick with it, a new job that i can like and be good at, and the last I'm even embarrassed to mention... I pray for my future husband daily and I want him now.
Maybe the the last one is satan tempting me with a twist on the word that I want to hear but it doesn't change the fact that I've wanted this for some time. Not just a relationship with any guy but "the one." And lately my awareness of this has been heightened due to the fact that I live alone (I haven't seen my roommate in over a week.) But maybe with looking for a new job my lack can be forgotten and I can focus the rest of my attention on learning God's heart. I'm just really confused whether my own selfish ambition is telling me this or that there's a reason I read this passage at this time in my life. "Ask and you shall receive" I hope so.

I've traded in community for convenience

From one extreme to the next. I began the summer surrounded by my friends, eager for a moment by myself away from the chaos. I am then submerged head first into the closest community of my life with strangers who soon became family. My value separate but accredited to their love and openness. Then back home with the same friends I had left I am able to value them so much more, to know what it means to live in community is to know how to show love to your brothers and sisters.

Now I am here. Now I sit in an empty apartment 30 minutes away from my community with a roommate I've seen 3 times since we've moved in. I practically live alone, from a place where I could walk into the next room and my best friends would be sleeping on the couch. I don't even have a couch. Its nice to be able to walk around my apartment whenever I want in whatever I want, be 2 minutes from school and 5 minutes to each of the biggest malls in the city, but I would rather have my community back. My loneliness is stirring dreams I would rather not have, however Im sure after last night they will not come back, and the stagnation in my walk that Im experiencing is surely the cause.

I want my life back, this isn't what I signed up for at all.

Silence

I sit here 3:30 in the morning still yearning for more from my day. my timing is not God's timing. his is infallible, mine is rushed. I try to be patient but i feel like if i do nothing, then i do nothing... but thats what is necessary. i preach of letting go yet i still feel like i need control. its difficult to know when to stop and when to push forward at full speed. I know prayer is needed here. To silence my self that tells me to finish what i start is far better than to rush what god has planned. God has great plans right now, i can see them unfold literally everyday, but when they com to fruition is for him to decide. so right now i will continue to serve those around me, speak the words put into my mouth, and above all else, love (which seems to be the hardest for me to do).

close a door to open another

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

So Im pretty sure the whole "let go and let God" saying is literal. I used to believe that it was figurative, like, dont stress because God's going to take care of it, but dont stop doing what you're doing either. I'm just ignorant I guess. Two recent times God has shown me that if I just sit back and just keep doing what I was made to do (pray) that he will not only take care of it but exceed expectations.

February: For six months I prayed continually for what I should do about going on a missions trip. I wanted to make sure it really was God calling me and I wanted to go where and when he wanted me to go. I totally ignored the distinct voice of the holy spirit saying JUST SIGN UP! for the insecurity of my brain that held much doubt about what to do. So this literally went on for six months and when February came I finally felt a peace about signing up for a one month trip in may to Kenya with Adventures in Missions (www.adventures.org). I was accepted the next week and what happened next was surely God at work. Kenya had been going through a time of political uproar due to "flawed elections" and AIM deemed it unsafe to go there in May. OK. A week later they told me I could go in June. OK. The next week they said absolutely no Kenya trips until September and I would be going to Jeffrey's Bay, South Africa instead. Not excited, South Africa was the only place in Africa I did not want to go on a missions trip, looks like a great place to vacay but thats all its good for. So long story short, God knew where he wanted me I just needed to stop second guessing myself and let him work. And SA ended up being way more than vacations and white people, it was everything I had imagined Africa to be and more.

Yesterday:
1:00AM= The place I am hoping to rent (the only non-sketchy place on craig's list) is rented out to another girl. Somehow Im not surprised, this would happen to me when I get my hopes up. But I know this means God has something even better picked out for me. I remember now that in my time in Africa, when I found out that I needed to find another place to live, that God said he had already planned for me the perfect roommate.
12:00PM=I get on Craig's list to begin my room search once again and email a couple people, I then look at the listings for people looking for rooms (on accident, because I thought it was more room listings) and I click on the "$400 ROOM FOR RENT" listing and find a girl looking for exactly what Im looking for, in the exact location, a christian, moving to Orlando this week. I mean things like this happen on the Disney channel but not in real life, except when God's involved. So against my will I let go and God surprised me once again.

But thats my life, full of surprises and changes, never the same, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

putting off

I've been putting off starting this for over a week which doesnt sound like long but its been eating at me daily. probably out fact that no one will read it, no one will care, or that someone will read it and they will care. I would prefer not knowing if its read but I need these things to be said because if they're not then I just say them to myself and it doesnt make a difference. I've been closed up for long enough and I want to be vulnerable, I want to be stripped bare of the walls I've put up around me. So I'll write it for you, in hopes that you'll be pleased. I'm on this journey and I dont want to be alone on it and I dont want anyone else to think they're alone on it. We put up fronts for these people to make them think we're cool but struggling, happy but artistically miserable. I'm done with these oxymorons in my life, straight up, this is what I'm struggling with and this is what is causing ache inside of me. I have hope and security in knowing I'm taken care of, I am spoken for, all I have to do is keep walking and not turn back, to not stop, or second-guess. So now ends the continual want to be close to him hindered by the interruptions of the day-to-day. The journey of getting to his heart and letting others in on where I'm at starts today. Lord, your thoughts for me are more numerous than the grains of sand on the beach, and I can only try to turn mine back to you.