God Grant Me the Serenity

...to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is the season I have been praying about. My life, so blessed. I felt so unworthy that I knew something big was going to happen to make up for all that ease. I dont feel like Im being punished, I know this is learning time. Since August I have felt uneasy about life, my living situation, my walk, putting my faith in action, all of the above. Last month everything came to a climax and now I just feel out of place everywhere I go. My friends love me and I love them back but they cant fill the void in my life that Im trying to push them in. I really feel like I need a vacation alone, where people are around but I dont know any of them. Me, Jesus, and people watching. Sounds like a good idea.

In the last two weeks I have seen much resolution to October's events and I am thankful to at least have some closure in my life. Still, my mind is not in my head, it's off thinking of every situation that could go wrong and the more I worry, the worse it gets. I feel nauseous almost every day, I am hopeless in my financial circumstance, I broke out (in what i think may be hives) on my back ad chest, and most of all i feel like im far away from God. I feel so far away. I pray and feel guilty, sit in front of the bible and stare at it, can't get up the nerve to email my pastor to talk about it, and cant make time to read any insightful book on why I feel this way. I feel like God is so disappointed; loving, but not proud. I feel guilty when I pray.

So here is my prayer. To get everything out that has been building up inside of me. Being held by Satan to stir within me awaiting the day when he can unleash it. I won't give him that power.

"Father grant me the serenity to see see clearly through this storm of doubt, deception, and walls that see too high to climb. Hold me in your arms and tell me everything will be ok, that you have control and all I need to do is trust you. Give me the answers to my questions, give me the right questions to ask. Take away my compulsiveness, replace it with patience, fill the void with your love. soften my heart. Make it like clay again, like when I was eager to learn and love as much as i knew how. give me the ability to focus and the ability to think about others more than myself, or at least more than i do now. And finally for all the trials you have put me in right now I pray resolution."

They Lie In Wait For My Life

Funny how things can change in a month huh? Allow me to vent. I've told the story too many times to bore myself with it again but have I really delved into my feelings on the story? Feelings are hard for me so probably not. October 2008 has been the hardest month for me since April 2006. I've gone from the highest excitement to the lowest place I've been in over two years. This will be the mark of my adulthood, no longer will I be able to say "I'm only 19!" or "I'm just a kid" when I come out of this I will have gained, not anything to attribute to my intelligence, but real wisdom and a better grasp of common sense.

I hated living alone, then I saw hope to learn more about myself and God and I was ok with it, then the opportunity arose for me to not just live with friends, but be submersed in community, I didn't jump, I prayed. I prayed for God to take away this desire if it was not in his plan, to close the doors that he didn't want me to walk through. He didn't close doors, he opened the opportunities for me to move with great ease and quickness, and I grew excited about my new adventure (I have wanted to live near downtown since I've moved here, and secretly with people status, I don't know why thats a secret it's just something I've wanted for a long time). But two weeks later my subleasee fell through and the people I got to replace her couldn't be on the lease so my "roommate" told me to tell them to take a hike. Now with all these demands from her I don't know if I can sublease the place. All I can do is sit back and let the course be run. I have plans and deadlines, God has creation and is all-knowing, who do you think will win?

My walk has grown lax, maybe thats why this is all crumbling in crunch time. I hardly ever read the bible anymore, theology books sit on my shelf untouched, and I suck at making time to just sit in silence and talk with Jesus. I'm in this period of stagnation, itching to move but without motivation to make it happen. All the while things are crashing down around me: 4 fraudulent charges on my credit card, living on $5 for a week and a half, being scheduled <12 hours per week (at minimum wage working all the newbie jobs that nobody wants) at a new job, other peoples engagements and weddings (which don't affect me diretly but are difficult/annoying to hear about), an awful "roommate" who doesn't understand there are consequences to her actions, sleeping up to 13 hours at a time (through classes and a clinic shift), losing my most expensive and important textbook, a clinic write-up, and the suicide of one of the high school girls that I was beginning to get close with. Im sure there are more but why rack my brain to remember things that have obviously been supressed for a reason.

I feel so hopeless, I want to sell all my stuff and move back in with my mom for a little while, That sounds good, but she lives 2 hours away. I need to be here, it's where God has placed me and it's where I have to be. All I can do is take it upon myself to be more holistic in my approach living this life run by Christ, because right now I'm doing a lousy job.

1 Emotional
2 Financial
3 Spiritual Practices
4 Physical
5 Gifts/Talents
6 Relational

Im prone to worrying, I hide behind my faith that God will provide and the proof I have of that in my life, but I still freak out every time something goes awry. But I will try to keep my mind off it, not ignore it, but all this at once IS too much to deal with all at once. I will move as I feel led by the holy spirit and I know I will end up in the right place. I'll be in Orlando until at least June 2011 and, God-willing, single (meaning un-married) for at least 4 more years. So I need to focus on these things now while I am in a place I know, with people who know and love me, while I have time. I am at a loss on how to end this so I will leave with this: Psalm 59.