If life were simpler.

Everyone wishes their life were simpler. If mine was simpler I would love school, get good grades, remain in Orlando a few more years, take chances on the boys I like (and they would reciprocate the feelings), have more intentional relationships without having to be more intentional about them, be two sizes smaller, and I wouldn't be in counseling for all the shit my mom's put me through. Easy enough right? Well obviously my life is the opposite of easy. I can say that because in the past I have been so scared to say it because I'm aware of all the tragedy that's in the world. The problems of the orphans, homeless, and abused are there but it doesn't mean my struggles are any less tormenting.

The first thing that comes to mind are boys and crushes and the first thing I says is "their dumb, those aren't struggles." however more and more it becomes apparent that they in fact may be the root of some of my struggles. I've had many examples of great relationships but few to none have been close to me and I question what a relationship should look like behind closed doors. I don't even want to talk about my parents right now but I will say that what looks like a fairy tale, even from the inside, is not what it appears, but anyway, this question has been stirring in my head lately. The things I will do for a guy I might be interested in are many and it often comes back to bite me in the ass. No guy will ever know I'm interested in them. NONE. I don't know why, but I suspect it has something to do with rejection and something else to do with fear of the future (but mostly the first). I feel like if I did it just once, I would get over it and be happier knowing the grass isn't that much greener on the other side. So if you're a boy and you know me please don't pretend to be into me, just ask me out and I'll make my intentions known right off the bat because while it's hard for me to be rejected, it's easy for me to reject others. (starting to get the picture?)

Prob the biggest confusion in my life right now is school and Portland. Yes they're in the same category. I love/hate FCIM. It's obviously not designed for students in their early 20's still trying to figure out what they want to do with their life and juggling a social life with school. It's designed for middle-aged men and women who know what they want and are juggling school, work, and a family or trying to start one. Oh boy, that's so not me. But I love my classmates and I love Orlando and its proximity to everything I care about. So why would I move 3,000 miles away from everything I've ever known?

Wow, that took a couple minutes to swallow. I get scared sometimes of this choice I've made, for short periods but still, i get light-headed, nauseous, and anxious all at once. I'd say that's good for me though because I'm a huge worrier and the fact that I'm not worrying is a miracle. So all that to say I have some big things going on in my head right now. I'm taking the steps toward the changes I need to make. Relationships and coping with moving across the country. That's all I can handle for now.