I'm Bored

Not in the sense that I have nothing to do. Oh, I have plenty to do. But I cant seem to shake this feeling. This is the place Im at right now, this is what Im trying to get out of. I feel like there are more than enough things I can do to keep my mind off it, and I've been trying to as much as possible, but even in the times when I am most at peace with God and am learning more and more, I am really frustrated with all these textbook answers that I cant seem to push out to discover the reality that he's trying to teach me.I've contemplated not putting my kids in sunday school because I would rather they come to God on their own than be brainwashed into these ideas that we know but we dont know why. And the Bible is living, it has different meaning for different hearts, different experiences. God talks to no two people in EXACTLY the same way, because none of us are made the same, the beauty is the complexity of it all! so why am I experiencing this cookie cutter phase where I know what to think but I don't feel God calling me to act on it. I know he wants something deeper from me.

I am not stagnant in my walk right now, that feels complacent, right now I'm frustrated because I just dont know what God wants from me. I dont know what to do to make God happy so he'll fulfill his plan for me, or at least my plan for me. that realization sucks. My heart is so bound to this idea that i cant define the line between hope and obsession.

I am so pathetic, and I really only care about myself. Im pissed because I don't know what God wants, regardless of how I know I should live to please him and that will be enough, but I know what's out there, I've seen the bigger picture. I am no longer ignorant and cant continue to live this life consumed with my want. I did ask God to take comfort out of my life, truely he didnt take anything away but he's opening my eyes to the uncomfortable places that have been here all along. I just cant stand it while it happens.

Ask And You Shall Receive

I'm wrestling this right now. I'm asking for answers and other things that I believe I will receive, so out of a pure heart shouldn't I get them? My prayers are not selfish, I pray about my life more than I ought but I'm not asking for a new car or gratuitous amount of money. right now there are three things I want, not in excess but because my heart aches for the excitement and promise they will bring. I just want tools to be able to budget my money and stick with it, a new job that i can like and be good at, and the last I'm even embarrassed to mention... I pray for my future husband daily and I want him now.
Maybe the the last one is satan tempting me with a twist on the word that I want to hear but it doesn't change the fact that I've wanted this for some time. Not just a relationship with any guy but "the one." And lately my awareness of this has been heightened due to the fact that I live alone (I haven't seen my roommate in over a week.) But maybe with looking for a new job my lack can be forgotten and I can focus the rest of my attention on learning God's heart. I'm just really confused whether my own selfish ambition is telling me this or that there's a reason I read this passage at this time in my life. "Ask and you shall receive" I hope so.

I've traded in community for convenience

From one extreme to the next. I began the summer surrounded by my friends, eager for a moment by myself away from the chaos. I am then submerged head first into the closest community of my life with strangers who soon became family. My value separate but accredited to their love and openness. Then back home with the same friends I had left I am able to value them so much more, to know what it means to live in community is to know how to show love to your brothers and sisters.

Now I am here. Now I sit in an empty apartment 30 minutes away from my community with a roommate I've seen 3 times since we've moved in. I practically live alone, from a place where I could walk into the next room and my best friends would be sleeping on the couch. I don't even have a couch. Its nice to be able to walk around my apartment whenever I want in whatever I want, be 2 minutes from school and 5 minutes to each of the biggest malls in the city, but I would rather have my community back. My loneliness is stirring dreams I would rather not have, however Im sure after last night they will not come back, and the stagnation in my walk that Im experiencing is surely the cause.

I want my life back, this isn't what I signed up for at all.

Silence

I sit here 3:30 in the morning still yearning for more from my day. my timing is not God's timing. his is infallible, mine is rushed. I try to be patient but i feel like if i do nothing, then i do nothing... but thats what is necessary. i preach of letting go yet i still feel like i need control. its difficult to know when to stop and when to push forward at full speed. I know prayer is needed here. To silence my self that tells me to finish what i start is far better than to rush what god has planned. God has great plans right now, i can see them unfold literally everyday, but when they com to fruition is for him to decide. so right now i will continue to serve those around me, speak the words put into my mouth, and above all else, love (which seems to be the hardest for me to do).

close a door to open another

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

So Im pretty sure the whole "let go and let God" saying is literal. I used to believe that it was figurative, like, dont stress because God's going to take care of it, but dont stop doing what you're doing either. I'm just ignorant I guess. Two recent times God has shown me that if I just sit back and just keep doing what I was made to do (pray) that he will not only take care of it but exceed expectations.

February: For six months I prayed continually for what I should do about going on a missions trip. I wanted to make sure it really was God calling me and I wanted to go where and when he wanted me to go. I totally ignored the distinct voice of the holy spirit saying JUST SIGN UP! for the insecurity of my brain that held much doubt about what to do. So this literally went on for six months and when February came I finally felt a peace about signing up for a one month trip in may to Kenya with Adventures in Missions (www.adventures.org). I was accepted the next week and what happened next was surely God at work. Kenya had been going through a time of political uproar due to "flawed elections" and AIM deemed it unsafe to go there in May. OK. A week later they told me I could go in June. OK. The next week they said absolutely no Kenya trips until September and I would be going to Jeffrey's Bay, South Africa instead. Not excited, South Africa was the only place in Africa I did not want to go on a missions trip, looks like a great place to vacay but thats all its good for. So long story short, God knew where he wanted me I just needed to stop second guessing myself and let him work. And SA ended up being way more than vacations and white people, it was everything I had imagined Africa to be and more.

Yesterday:
1:00AM= The place I am hoping to rent (the only non-sketchy place on craig's list) is rented out to another girl. Somehow Im not surprised, this would happen to me when I get my hopes up. But I know this means God has something even better picked out for me. I remember now that in my time in Africa, when I found out that I needed to find another place to live, that God said he had already planned for me the perfect roommate.
12:00PM=I get on Craig's list to begin my room search once again and email a couple people, I then look at the listings for people looking for rooms (on accident, because I thought it was more room listings) and I click on the "$400 ROOM FOR RENT" listing and find a girl looking for exactly what Im looking for, in the exact location, a christian, moving to Orlando this week. I mean things like this happen on the Disney channel but not in real life, except when God's involved. So against my will I let go and God surprised me once again.

But thats my life, full of surprises and changes, never the same, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

putting off

I've been putting off starting this for over a week which doesnt sound like long but its been eating at me daily. probably out fact that no one will read it, no one will care, or that someone will read it and they will care. I would prefer not knowing if its read but I need these things to be said because if they're not then I just say them to myself and it doesnt make a difference. I've been closed up for long enough and I want to be vulnerable, I want to be stripped bare of the walls I've put up around me. So I'll write it for you, in hopes that you'll be pleased. I'm on this journey and I dont want to be alone on it and I dont want anyone else to think they're alone on it. We put up fronts for these people to make them think we're cool but struggling, happy but artistically miserable. I'm done with these oxymorons in my life, straight up, this is what I'm struggling with and this is what is causing ache inside of me. I have hope and security in knowing I'm taken care of, I am spoken for, all I have to do is keep walking and not turn back, to not stop, or second-guess. So now ends the continual want to be close to him hindered by the interruptions of the day-to-day. The journey of getting to his heart and letting others in on where I'm at starts today. Lord, your thoughts for me are more numerous than the grains of sand on the beach, and I can only try to turn mine back to you.